Don’t be late
Don’t show up 20 minutes late, and joke, “Better late than never.” That is a phrase you will never hear from a Swede. If you type “fashionably late” into Google Translate on a Swedish phone, the phone will self-destruct. For Swedes, people who are late are just plain rude. It is their time you are wasting with your sloppy timekeeping.
Don’t turn down a small taste of surströmming
Many Swedes claim to love surströmming. But then they also claim to love kebab pizza and even palt, the world’s tastiest insulation material. The good news is that only the tiniest flake of surströmming is ever placed on some crispbread before being smothered by gallons of potato and 12 onions. You’re unlikely to even taste it (but do turn down any invitation to open the surströmming can; nothing good has ever come from opening a surströmming can.)
Don’t compare Norway and Sweden by saying, “They’re not THAT different are they?"
It may seem that Norwegians and Swedes are very similar. Hell, even their languages are almost identical, and they both like flying their national flags. But, as your Swedish friends will tell you, in reality they’re as different as a giraffe and a goldfish. There are vast, galaxy-sized distances between their cultures. For instance, …er, I'll get back to you on that one.
Never tell your host that Allsång på Skansen is embarrassingly awful
Imagine karaoke night, but outdoors and in 1935. That's basically the humble beginnings of Singalong at Skansen. These days, up to 25,000 people are turned into karaoke zombies, singing along to ancient Swedish pop stars. What's worse is that this is actually broadcast to the nation on SVT. And millions of Swedes watch it! Including, probably, your host. So if you ever detect the phrase
“a celebration of cultural mediocrity,” bubbling up into your mouth, make a quick dash to the toilet until the urge subsides.
Don't say you hate coffee
Swedes really love coffee. I mean, really love it. It’s a central pillar of their social culture. If, like me, you hate coffee, devise an outlandish excuse when offered a cup, such as, "My brain explodes if it detects any caffeine." No Swede will risk the stains to their furniture.
Never criticize IKEA
Talking of furniture, don’t criticize IKEA. It’s a bit like burning the Stars and Stripes in America. Swedes' pride in the domestic goods retailer is unbreakable. Even if the furniture isn't.
This column was originally published at norran.se/the English part of norran.se.